Acknowledge Struggles

It's important to acknowledge struggles and bad days. This process of undoing everything we've been taught by society, of defying this instilled need to depend on other people for emotional stability and becoming self-reliant, is not an easy one or a quick one, and it is not without its setbacks.

Today I am going to acknowledge a personal struggle I continue to have in my journey. I will also be talking about what I do to deal with and resolve this issue, because the reason acknowledging our struggles is important is so that we can learn to move on from them.

I am anorexic. I now eat healthily and carry a healthy weight, but I still struggle with the mental aspect of it. I still haven't stopped my mind from jumping to "maybe if I was skinnier..." every time I feel inadequate or unloved. I still often look down at my beautiful body and have a hard time seeing anything except problem areas and soft spots. I still obsessively count calories, even though now I use it to try and make sure I consume enough every day instead of as a limit. I am now 15 pounds over my lowest weight, and it's hard to be ok with that number, even though I know it's healthy, even on the low side of healthy for my frame.

Satisfying anorexia is futile. If I give in to the urges, no amount of weight loss will ever be enough, and I'll just keep going until my body gives out and I die. I don't want to die, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life picking myself apart either. That is a big part of why I started this project for myself. I knew the reason I was never satisfied with myself is because I felt unloved. I finally faced what I had known and been told for years; I can't just keep searching for some external force to make me feel loved. With My level of self-hate, the only people I would even allow close to me were those who confirmed my fears by mistreating me.

I HAD to fix myself and learn how to love myself or I would spend the rest of my life miserable, panicked, and doing terrible things to my body and soul in a misdirected and desperate effort to be "good enough".

I haven't given up on dating or finding love with another person, and I don't think that love and friendship are flawed sources of happiness. I have just learned that without loving myself, I will never be able to believe anyone else genuinely loves me, and will not be able to find happiness in those relationships.

I heard something a while back that really struck a chord. I can't remember the origin of the saying so do forgive me.

"Beware of a naked person offering you a shirt"

What it means is that if a person doesn't value their love enough to bestow it upon themselves, be wary of letting them bestow it upon you.