The first time someone told me my problems would get better if I learned to love myself, I was confused. First of all, that's all they said. No pointers on how to proceed or how it would help me. Second of all, the baffling task of truly loving myself was so great that I didn't know where to begin. I started tallying up positive traits in my head and immediately disqualifying them with negative contradictions. Nothing seemed genuine enough to be worth loving, and it hurt.
It took a long time, a battle with anorexia, a lot of failed relationships, and a lot of pain before I finally faced that I was going to have to do something or else my self hate was going to kill me. I forced myself to find something, ANYTHING to love about myself. I angrily thought to myself about how I had been able to find things to love and beauty in all of these people who had treated me so horribly, but couldn't do it for myself.
That's when it hit me. Maybe all the misplaced love I had given to abusive people and toxic relationships could be converted into training to love myself. I tried to look at myself from the outside, as if I was looking at another person instead of myself. I realized that I loved how silly I was, and that I admired myself for my ability to laugh like a hyena without caring what other people thought. I realized that my eyes are unusual and beautiful, even if they are just brown eyes. I realized that I had a knack for finding the good in people in situations, ans that it was beautiful, and that I could use it on myself. I realized that I was one of the most loyal, forgiving, and understanding people I had ever met, and that those things made me a valuable friend. That made me realize that people were as lucky to have me as a friend as I was to have them.
Then, I tried to tackle my anxiety about being by myself. I tried to think of things I preferred or at least was ok with doing alone. I realized that I love to sing by myself and for myself. I realized that I prefer watching movies alone because when I'm with other people I'd rather talk to them. I realized sleeping alone is actually pretty nice, even if cuddles are awesome. I realized that being alone with myself didn't have to be scary because I didn't automatically have to be anxious and afraid of my anxiety creeping up on me if no one was around to distract me from it. I know it sounds crazy and impossible, but my anxieties started to melt away. I didn't spend nights alone tossing and turning unable to sleep any more. I didn't going in to anxiety attacks if the house was empty and no one would answer a call or a text. I went from psychotically terrified to be left alone with my head to realizing it's kinda nice in here and not nearly as scary as I thought it was. My self injury has stopped, though I do still fight urges when my anxiety pops up. My panic attacks have become less frequent and less severe. I don't feel like a burden on my friends and family any more. All of that, ALL OF THAT from learning how to enjoy my own company and do a little self-soothing. I know it sounds crazy, but seriously, just try it and see if it helps.
Now I hang out with people because I want to, not because I feel like I'm going to die of anxiety if I'm alone. I can sleep deeply and happily by myself. I enjoy my alone time. I can comfort myself and calm myself down because I have a better handle on what upsets me. This improvement isn't a temporary high caused by a coping mechanism, this is an actual, irrevocable step forward caused by true healing instead of a band-aid. These are the steps we need to be taking. Not just seeking out more band-aids to cover the wounds.
No comments:
Post a Comment